Unmet needs : Introducing Brian

From the very moment you enter this world, the way your needs are or are not met, influences every part of your being - your physiology, psychology and social being. The temperament you are born with combined with every experience that makes up your unique life leads to the person you are today.

In my last blog I introduced the 5 childhood needs outlined in Schema Therapy. I also asked you to think a little about how well you meet your needs as an adult.

The way in which your needs are met in childhood influence how you perceive and experience the world (your schemas), how you cope with them (coping modes) and how you meet your own needs as an adult.

Take Brian as an example:

(Please note Brian is not a real client, but a representation of a person’s possible experiences).

Brian grew up with his mum, dad and little sister. When he was seven his mum was badly injured in a car accident. His father was a high achieving businessman who worked long hours. Brian was put in the role of caregiver at this young age, for both mum and sister, with some help from an aunt from time to time. Everyone in the family was struggling with this new reality. As he got older, mum started to improve but was still very sad a lot of the time. Dad had really high expectations of Brian and his sister, pushing them with their education, always wanting nothing but their best and more. Brian did not receive a great deal of emotional validation when he was young, as well as not having much space to figure out his own identity.

Looking at the 5 core childhood needs below, how well do you imagine Brian’s needs were met growing up?

Graphic illustrating the five core childhood needs

Secure attachment: Brian's mum provided him with love, nuture and safety when she could, but due to her health it was difficult at times. His dad struggled to show up consistently and often when he did, he did not provide a sense of saftey or nurture.

Autonomy: Due to being a carer for his mum Brian did not experience the space needed to explore his own personality and independence. His father's expectations also stifled this.

Playfulness: Brian and his sister would often play together, their mum also bringing humour and creativity when she could. Between caring duties and school work, his age appropriate needs in this area were not met sufficiently. His aunt did however take him and sister out for some day trips from time to time.

Realistic limits: Brian definitely had limits set on him as a child. He learnt responsibility, boundaries and motivation. However, as they were not always realistic this led to other needs not being met.

Freedom to express emotions: Brian was able to express his emotions to his mum when she was feeling well enough, as well as to a family social worker and a teacher. However, other opportunities to feel free to think about and share his own feelings were limited.

So, as you can imagine, like all of us, the ways Brian’s needs were/were not met influenced how he experiences the world as an adult. How do you think it may have impacted him?

Check in next time to find out my thoughts and to learn more about ‘Schemas’.

Don’t miss out. Subscribe below to get future learning opportunities sent direct to your inbox.

Kristine

What do you need?

Do you ever ask yourself 'What do I need'? Not, what do I want, or what do I think I need, but really take the time to tune into yourself. Allowing yourself to get past those initial 'shoulds' and 'coulds' influenced by wider society and your unique earlier life experiences.

I know I have gotten better at it over the years. However, to be honest, it probably wasn't until well into my Clinical Psychology training that I started to figure out what my needs as a human being really are, never mind actually tuning into what I really needed and when. I don’t think the latter is a journey that ever ends, but it is definitely one that we can improve upon and fine tune.

One way to start this process is to learn a little about what research has shown our needs to be as human beings. Five core childhood needs outlined in Schema Therapy provide a really lovely overview of what is vitally important for us all, as children and as adults.

1. The need for secure attachment, comfort, nurture and care.

2. The need for autonomy and encouragement, of competence and our own sense of identity.

3. The need for spontaneity, playfulness, exploration and adventure, and room for creativity and imagination.

4. The need for realistic limits and control, boundaries and the taking responsibility of our actions.

5. The need for the freedom to explore and express our emotions and needs.

To what degree are these needs being met in your life right now? Think about your life, your relationships, and above all, your relationship with yourself.

How were they met when you were younger? Our needs are never met perfectly as children. We are human beings being raised by human beings after all. It is not necessarily about blaming your parents (although, it is OK to feel angry too), but it is important to think about how your unmet needs may have impacted you. Whilst also letting yourself feel some of the vulnerability you felt at such a formative time of your life. By connecting with this vulnerable part of yourself you can truly move forward to being able to meet your vulnerable child’s needs during adulthood.

Big questions/reflections I know. Take your time with them.

Schema Therapy can help with this process.

Reach out for a FREE 20 minute Discovery Call to learn more.

Kristine

What is Schema Therapy and what does it look like?

I have to admit, I do find it difficult to succinctly describe different therapies to my clients. There is so much too them and so many different ways to use them to help. When trying to understand something myself I first of all find it useful to think about the language used. It would make sense that schema therapy has something to do with schema’s, right?

So what is a schema?

We all have different ways of looking at the world. Different ‘oughts’, ‘shoulds’, rules and expectations. Unique core beliefs about ourselves, others and the world. Various emotional reactions and physiological responses to the things that happen around us and within us. It is all of this that comprise our schemas.

Jeffrey Young, the person who brought Schema Therapy to life, identified 18 different schemas. I'm not going to list them all here but will discuss them in future blogs. To give you a sense, schemas include such things as:

Self sacrifice: the idea that others needs are more important than your own.

Defectiveness: the belief that there is something inherently wrong with you.

Abandonment: a deep-seated feeling and belief that others will leave you.

As you can imagine, the way in which our schemas develop depend on lots of different factors. We're all born with different temperaments, different parts of our identities already influenced by our genetics. Then of course there are all the experiences we have, influenced by our culture and society, and most importantly by the family we are raised in.

Think about the language you speak, your accent and the particular colloquialisms you might use. Think about the times that you find yourself saying something that reminds you of something your mum or dad would say. Think about how you understand the world and take a moment to ask yourself, ‘where did these messages come from’?.

During schema-focused therapy I will begin by helping you understand yourself more. Enable you to understand how the way your needs were and were not met growing up has influenced your core feelings and beliefs. To support this process we (you and I) would use a range of techniques and ideas to help you make links between current difficulties in your life and earlier life experiences at both a cognitive and emotional level. We would work together to help you connect more to your your vulnerable parts, your inner child. To listen to them and understand them. Identifying the ways you learnt to cope with unhelpful schemas, feelings and situations when you were little. Although necessary when you were younger, many of these coping modes may no longer be serving you. The good news is, as an adult you have the opportunity to learn different ways to look after your inner child. Together we will help you to develop your healthy adult part, to help you truly meet your needs now in a way that can help you make the best of your life moving forward.

I aim to provide you with a safe and nurturing space to explore all of these different aspects of your life. I might ask you to fill in some questionnaires to help us begin to put the puzzle pieces together. We might also use some experiential strategies such as imagery rescripting, chair work and parts work to allow you to experience a deeper level of change within. We might integrate elements of other therapies I provide, such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT). At all times we will be working as a team, with a shared purpose of helping you learn healthier ways to be.

You may also be interested in the following two self-help books if you want to learn more.

Reinventing Your Life: the bestselling breakthrough programme to end negative behaviour and feel great.

Your Coping Skills Aren't Working: How to Break Free from the Habits That Once Helped You but Now Hold You Back.

Any questions or want to make an appointment?

Email me on: info@letstalkonline-psychology.com

Kristine

New Year, New Parts

So, it’s a few weeks into 2024 already.

I don’t know about everyone else, but for me it’s been a bit of a slog. I will admit to getting caught up in the whole ‘New Year, New Me’ stuff this year. With my metabolism lowering as I get older, I have some weight I would like to shift. I also planned to get more organised and to start writing more again.

Low and behold, it is rarely that simple is it. Yes, I have made some changes (including writing this blog – go me!!). However, this has been accompanied by an internalised pressure which my avoidance and impulsive parts have not liked (at all), leading to me feeling quite vulnerable at times.

So, in case anyone else has had a similar start to the year, I thought I would share an exercise to help bring our healthy adult, the part of us that can help look after our vulnerabilities and allow space for our internal wisdom to emerge.

Try it out and see what you think. It might feel a bit weird and take a few tries to really feel the beautiful resonance of solace and softening around the edges it can bring. And if it doesn’t that’s ok too. I imagine there will be part of you that will be grateful that you tried and feel comfort in knowing it is something you can go back to another time.

This particular exercise was written by Dr. Kristen Neff and is called:

A self-compassionate break

Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.

Now, say to yourself:

1. This is a moment of suffering

That’s mindfulness. Other options include:

·         This hurts.

·         Ouch.

·         This is stress.

2. Suffering is a part of life

That’s common humanity. Other options include:

·         Other people feel this way.

·         I’m not alone.

·         We all struggle in our lives.

Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest. Or adopt the soothing touch you discovered felt right for you.

Say to yourself:

3. May I be kind to myself

You can also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:

·         May I give myself the compassion that I need

·         May I learn to accept myself as I am

·         May I forgive myself

·         May I be strong.

·         May I be patient

This practice can be used any time of day or night, and will help you remember to evoke the three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most.

I really like this one and often introduce it to clients, whilst also using it myself when I feel I need it. Why not let me know what you thought in the comment section below.

Self-compassion: 3 steps towards putting that big stick away

During my 22 years working and studying in the field of psychology, one thing has really stood out for me, both within my clients and my own personal life - How incredibly hard we can be on ourselves and how difficult we find it to be compassionate towards ourselves. Particularly when we need it the most, when we are suffering. I know from personal experience, this is something I have to continuously work on, even though it is exactly what I teach others.

I think there are a lot of reasons why we find it so difficult to be self compassionate. Culturally, the majority of us were brought up to 'get on with life'. Our parents and their parents were most likely brought up the same. We were often taught to be kind to others but not to ourselves. We are surrounded by people who we also hear speaking to themselves with a deep harshness. How often have you heard someone say 'I'm so stupid', 'I'm ugly' and much worse? There can also be stigma regarding self compassion. The idea that being compassionate towards ourselves is somehow a sign of vulnerability or weakness, when actually it is quite the opposite. Does any of this sound familiar?

For many years now I have been integrating ideas behind compassionate mind therapy into my practice and into my own life. Although people come to therapy for so many different reasons, the more I have started working this way with my clients the more I have realised how much self-criticism, beating ourselves up and expecting ourselves to be perfect is central to so many human experiences.

I thought I would outline three practical exercises that may help you move one step closer to accepting yourself for you, a uniquely, perfectly imperfect human being.

1: Recognise your inner critic

Sometimes we do not even realise how self-critical we are and how self - deprecating some of the things we say to ourselves can be. How many times have you called yourself names such as stupid, told yourself you should have been able to do something better, that others are smarter, more beautiful, funnier? Over the next few weeks try to be more mindful of times when you say harsh/critical things towards yourself, as well as when you are kind to yourself, when you tell yourself it's okay to be feeling what you're feeling in that moment. It is by becoming more aware of this that you can begin to become more compassionate and learn to love and be true to yourself.

2: Talk to your inner child

When you recognise your inner critic take a step back from your thoughts. Ask yourself what would you say to a friend who is going through something similar. We can all be great friends to others, but the person whom we should be best friends with, ourselves, is the person we are too often our worst enemy to instead. To take this a step further think about who it is you're actually talking to when you are being hard on yourself. Inside each of every one of us is our inner child. The child we were when we were little will always be part of us and it is this person we talk to throughout the day in our internal dialogue. Our inner child needs to be looked after, reassured and comforted and who best to do that but ourselves. So the next time you start to berate yourself for not doing something the way you think you should have, imagine that inner child. Ask yourself ‘what do I/my inner child need right now?’ ‘What can I say to myself and do for myself to make me feel better rather than worse during a time where I am most likely already suffering?’

3: Give yourself a hug

Yes, you read right. It may feel very strange at first. Whenever you start to recognise the need to treat yourself with self compassion give yourself a hug and say to yourself, 'what you are feeling right now is okay, you are enough, and I love you'. A lot of people very much struggle with self compassion as we naturally resist being caring towards ourselves, so don't worry if this feels uncomfortable. Take it at your own pace. Even just visualise doing so to begin with if you need too.

Practicing self-compassion is not always easy as it means sitting with the parts of ourselves that we like and don't like. It also means letting go of that stick that we know we are beating ourselves up with, yet we are afraid we will make more mistakes and be more imperfect if we put it down.

4-6 sessions of therapy focused specifically on learning to accept all parts of ourselves can be a great starting point to helping us live a more fulfilled life which is true to ourselves.

Contact me on 07896150292 to begin accepting your 'flaws' and embracing your true strengths.

“It becomes understood that happiness is not dependent on circumstances being exactly as we want them to be, or on ourselves being exactly as we’d like to be. Rather, happiness stems from loving ourselves and our lives exactly as they are, knowing that joy and pain, strength and weakness, glory and failure are all essential to the full human experience.”

― Kristin Neff

With kindness

Kristine

Do You Care For Yourself? By Hannah Lilly

Welcome to the last installment of my guest blog series on self-care. I really hope you have gotten as much out of them as I have.

The inspiring coach, blog and author Hannah Liley talks about her journey in becoming passionate about the importance of loving and taking care of herself. Hannah found herself in the position of not wanting to leave her own house, and feeling unable to look in the mirror. Hannah has kindly offered to share with us all her realisation of how important self belief and self love are, if we are to embark on truly fulfilling lives. Learning to love ourselves is perhaps one of the most important basic self care needs of all, and Hannah expresses this beautifully through her writing.

About Hannah Lilly

Hannah Lilly is a running coach, life coach, motivational speaker, blogger, author and Huffington Post contributor based in Mullingar, Ireland. In both her twin passions, writing and motivational speaking, Hannah focuses on using the power of one’s mindset to create the best life possible. She is currently writing a book about her own six-month, life-changing experiment; the book is titled The Secret Experiment- My 182 Day Journey To Live My Very Best Life. 

Having coached hundreds of runners to reach their goals inspired Hannah to follow her own dream of empowering people around the world to feel good about themselves, to see their dreams as reachable and to create lives they love. Of particular importance to her in her motivational talks, workshops and writing is instilling self-confidence in children and teens so that they too can embark on a lifetime of satisfying work and emotional lives.  Hannah began her own work life at 16, waitressing and working as a make-up artist.  She is the mother of Jessica and Leon, a dog named Dora and a cat named Lilly.
Visit Hannah’s blog at www.hannah-lilly.com

Contact Info:hannah@hannah-lilly.com

https://www.facebook.com/secretexperiment

This year my life changed forever – I went from absolute rock bottom and wanting my life to be over -to feeling excited about each and every moment - I changed the way I treated myself, became my friend and my life was transformed.

I believe we have two voices in our minds. One encourages self-belief, self-esteem, confidence – all things we are born with- it tells us that “we can”, makes us feel good and believe that everything is possible.

Ask a child what they are good at and they will likely claim “everything”, small children will stand in front of the mirror in awe of the beauty they see before them, they will proudly show you pictures they’ve drawn and tell you how good they are.

At some stage this voice is joined by another the one that tells us “we can’t” bringing with it self-doubt, fear and guilt. It is inevitable, it will come, but this year taught me that the more we work on feeding the voice of positivity the weaker and less powerful the other one becomes. It’s about tipping the balance and listening to the one that is going to move you forward not hold you back. And the more we encourage our children to stay believing by reinforcing their voice of positivity the more we increase their ability to embark on their very best lives.

The negative voice in my head began to grow louder when I was around 8 years old. This was when I first began to question whether I was pretty enough, thin enough and it was around this time that I began to start thinking about ways to change my body and a lifetime of dieting was to begin. There are a variety of incidents around that time that probably triggered my way of thinking but I know that I can’t change the past and now I’m grateful for all of them- they brought me here and made me who I am today. 

Much of my life was I was happy “enough”. I had a great relationship, two healthy children, and a steady job. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with always dieting, never being happy at the reflection looking back at me. I was constantly setting goals, rarely if ever in the moment with my mind fixed on some time in the future thinking when I looked a certain way or achieved something else that I would feel fulfilled. The fulfilment never came and on reaching one goal I would quickly set another. Every few months I would wake filled with sadness sometimes lasting days other times weeks and I would look out of my kitchen window thinking “is this it?” remembering all the dreams I had as a child. Then I would be consumed with guilt that added to the sadness for even thinking this way.

Always smiling on the outside and considering myself a positive person it was only on reading The Secret last August that I became aware of how much negativity I unwittingly allowed into my life. When I became aware of the choice I had to try and replace negative thoughts and feelings with those that were positive I started to feel a lot less stressed and much happier.
At the time I was following a strict diet and training routine as part of a two year goal to become a bikini competitor and it was after the competition that I began to slide towards my rock bottom. The weight I gained and lack of control over my food caused me extreme anxiety that culminated in me contemplating ending my own life during the Christmas holidays.

This was my turning point I knew I had reached the place where I had to make a choice about the way I lived my life. This was not a life I would look back on and admire, I was not the person I wanted to be. 

So I created an experiment inspired by The Secret and the power of my mind set. I wanted to see what my mind was capable of. Knowing that feeling good isn’t so easy if you feel bad I created feel good triggers/rules that I would follow daily for 182 days. 

My life will never be the same because from day one of introducing this new mind set into my life I began strengthening the positive voice in my head. From gratitude, switching criticisms to compliments and changing every complaint to a thank you. Showing kindness to others and crucially kindness to myself. I would smile at my reflection when I brushed my teeth something that was so difficult and forced – which highlighted how badly I felt about myself.

I blogged as I went but with no pressure to be perfect at it. Over the 182 days I truly learnt the meaning of self-care and that while the support of others is hugely important and valuable in any journey of recovery, in the quest for our best life it is vital that we support ourselves too.

That means accepting that you are right now in your imperfection perfect, that you can’t change your past but you can create your future. It means taking the time to listen to how you talk to yourself, asking would you talk to a friend or a child the way you talk to yourself. Making a commitment to becoming your friend.

To put yourself first is not selfish, it is vital. Now that I love myself I am a better mother, girlfriend, friend, and daughter. I am happier and that has a never-ending ripple, effecting everyone I encounter. 

We listen to and believe what we tell ourselves good or bad. During this experiment I created a truth that I wanted to believe in. 

To live our absolute best life we have to feel good about ourselves, we have to be able to look in the mirror and say I love you (I know that makes some people uncomfortable!) it is the most important story in the chapter of my life. 

I don’t think you have to hit rock bottom to want to live a better life, or need to treat yourself better. This year I learnt to love myself and had I worked on that 20, 15, or 10 years ago I never would have had to. 

“How we feel determines how we feel about our lives but how we feel about ourselves determines how amazing they can be”

Hannah Lilly

One of the therapies I integrate into my work to help others is Compassionate Focused Therapy. Contact me now on 07896150292 or info@letstalkonline-psychology.com, to learn how to embark on a more compassionate relationship with yourself.

Looking after myself…by LizBu at BuBakes

Continuing with the theme of self care, today I am sharing a beautiful and thought-provoking blog by the lovely LizBu at BuBakes. LizBu talks about her personal journey towards realising the importance of self-care and looking after herself. She brings you through a range of really helpful self-care ideas described under the titles stop, look, start. I know it gave me a lot to think about, I hope it does for you too.

About LizBu

LizBu describes herself as a passionate and persistent soul; who is ridiculously happy when up to her eyes in fondant and frosting. She is the proud owner of BuBakes, a beautiful cake business. She loves the fact that making bespoke cakes allows her to give people something to suit their exact needs, adding that extra bit of awesomeness to their occasion! LizBu is also  passionate about advocating and writing about mental health, having experienced her own mental health issues. BuBakes is committed to reducing the stigma attached to Mental Health, and personally donates 25p for every order received to MIND. This is kindly matched by three generous supporters, meaning a £1 donation is made per order. 

Ok. This is possible. I'm a fairly sturdy individual. I live in a lovely flat; I have food in my stomach. I've managed to make it into my 4th decade on this planet, so I must be able to look after myself. Right?

I am guessing that when I was asked to write this piece, nobody was after a run down of how I manage to keep myself physically functioning each day. I don't need to lecture on the pros of drinking lots of H2O, getting regular exercise, or those all-important 8 hours of kip. We all know the basics of what we should and shouldn't do, so what DO you want to read about?

I'll tell you the truth, I have had periods of time when I haven't looked after myself, and I have got all the basics wrong.  I've drank my body weight in dubious looking (and let's face it, tasting) shots, I've been a 30-Marlboro-lights-a-day girl, and I even allowed myself to fall into the morbidly obese category for a long period of time.  So if I have got these basics wrong in the past, how can I speak about looking after myself? 

To clarify, imagine walking and getting an angry phone call telling you you're late and to hurry up, the problem being that you don't know where you're meant to be. Imagine dashing about hoping you'll stumble on your destination and every hour having another angrier phone call shouting at you to get a move on. One thing that was wrong with me for a long time was the fact I didn't value myself. I didn't know what I was meant to be, and I spent so much time trying to be the person that I felt I needed to be. Yes, I spent all my energy either trying to be someone when I didn't know who that person was, or partaking in whatever I could that would give the proverbial two fingers up to that mystery entity.  No wonder I was an internal car crash.  

Imagine that happening every day for 20 years. That is where I had got to before my "phone" exploded, and I imploded. 

When you go from the above to someone who becomes housebound and can't speak to anyone, not even his or her friends or family, you end up being stuck with yourself. Then there is no hiding. 

This is an extreme way of stopping the cycle, I literally got to the point where I had no choice, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  Therefore my first tip for looking after you is STOP. 

STOP right where you are, take a mental snapshot of your life, and take a few minutes to look at that picture and evaluate what's going on. 

STOP being such a bitch.  Would you speak to your best friend in this way? If the answer is no, why do you allow yourself to be spoken to like that by you? 

Time to LOOK

LOOK

Pick the people around you carefully. When you leave them do you feel enlightened, lifted and capable? Would they have your back if you needed it? Do they believe that you can achieve amazing things? If the answer to these is no then ask yourself what you do get from them.  

When we struggle to keep on top of things ourselves we need to have our cheering squad. I’m not talking about having "yes" people, these can actually be even more dangerous than no people. I mean the people who have opinions that you respect; people who don't care about whether you earn 10k or 100k and the people you can see yourself being old and wrinkled with. 

LOOK

Is there anything in that mental photo you took that makes your heart drop? Is there something that doesn't quite sit 'right' with you? Jot it down.  Don't worry about doing this, there's no pressure to act on it. Just jot it down. 

START

Once you have identified your cheering squad, speak to them. Book in times to see them. Even if that means having 4 meetings scheduled over the next 12 months. It will do you good to know that you have time with them blocked out. If you can do this with three people you can easily have one date a month booked in for the next year.  

Be selfish, spend time with the people who make you feel good - just make sure you let them know that they help you. Believe me, if people know that they have this impact it will increase even further over time. It's a wonderful thing. 

START

If like me you feel guilty about taking time for yourself, then make it obligatory. Fool yourself. Have fun with it. In my flat I have a reward chart. At the start of the month I set goals that will consistently keep me aware of my health. For example rather than having a goal of "lose x lbs." (With which I could spend three weeks eating anything, and then one week starving myself to ensure I hit it) I have "do 20 minutes of guided meditation twice every four days" I then divide my rewards squares into 4 day blocks and I write in the appropriate box when I've done a session.   

START

Do you too guilty about having a reward at the end of a successful month? Then make it someone else's fault!

I rope a friend or my hubbie in to use the system with me, and we specify a joint reward that we only get if we have BOTH hit all our goals. For example in a couple of weeks my husband and I are away for a few days. We have agreed that if we have both completed our charts we will have a day at a spa.  So at the moment I spend an average of 20 minutes every other day meditating (which makes me feel so energized - and I will do this over the course of a whole month.  Plus then I may get a day at a spa.  The best thing is that all of this is to keep someone else happy, so there is no guilt - Result! 

You know the element of the "photo" you jotted down? Grab a member of your cheering squad and tell them that you have a niggle about it.  Better yet challenge them to a month of eating your 5 a day/going for a daily walk/switching off Facebook after 6pm, and then talk to them about it all as you relax in a spa sipping quality iced H2O! 

I could babble on for hours about the other ways my life and attitude has changed over the past 18 months, and I could try to give you all my hints and tips. However to be honest it is about finding what's right for you. It's cliché but it's true. If something sounds good then try it, if not then keep looking.  Also, do check out my blog on bubakes.co.uk for more examples of how I manage my anxiety, depression and wellbeing. 

I hope at least one of those three things helps you, for me it's a combination that has helped me stay on top. 

Thank you for reading, and giving me an opportunity to share my puzzlings with you all.  It has been a real honour, and selfishly I have taken a great deal from it. 

Bu xx

Like Bu we all get pretty lost from time to time. Having a few sessions of psychological therapy can really help us think about what WE need to take care of OURSELVES.

Book an appointment here to discuss YOUR self care needs.

Back to The Basics: Self-Care, Breathing and Eating: by Elisabeth Corey, at Beating Trauma

Welcome! 

Continuing with self-care February I am sharing a beautifully written guest blog from the lovely Elisabeth Corey. Elizabeth talks about the importance of going back to basics when it comes to self care, and reflects upon how important remembering to breathe and eat has been for her throughout her journey of recovery. It is a beautiful and inspiring read that I know you will enjoy.

 Elisabeth is a survivor of family-controlled child sex trafficking and sex abuse.  Her education in social work and her personal experiences as a survivor inform her intimate dialogue about the biological, psychological, social and spiritual aspects of trauma recovery, which she discusses on her blog at BeatingTrauma.com.  She writes about breaking the cycle of abuse through conscious parenting, navigating intimate relationships as a survivor, balancing the memory recovery process with daily life, coping with self-doubt, and overcoming the physical symptoms of a traumatic childhood.  She guides other survivors as they navigate life and parenting with private sessions, workshops and a forum.  She also works with media and organizations through her workshops, writing, and speaking.  Follow her on Twitter and Facebook.

There is a problem with the human experience. We don’t have a point of reference. We have only known one reality. And that one reality may not be the best way to live a life. I am finding that despite all of my efforts to recover, and the progress I have made, I still have some habits that aren’t healthy. They aren’t conscious habits. In fact, I didn’t know they were a problem. But lately, I am starting to realize that I need to make changes … fundamental changes to the way I live.

First, I have to start breathing. I know that sounds a little crazy. I rarely think about it. I don’t think many people do. But I don’t breathe … not really anyway. I probably use about 10% of my lung capacity. I know there are several reasons for this. When I was a colicky baby, my father would suffocate me to stop my crying. I was also strangled a few times during my childhood.  As a defense mechanism, I learned to take in as little air as possible. As a child, it seemed like a good way to stay alive. If I am not breathing, but still living, nobody can hurt me by taking away my ability to breathe. It seemed reasonable.

But there are other reasons. As a child, I was sick a lot. I had pneumonia and other lung illnesses more times than I can count. In addition, my immune system was too shut down to fight these illnesses because I was always in “fight or flight” mode. I believe that my lungs have been inundated with toxins for quite some time. And I have learned to work around it.

But breathing well also requires cooperation. I haven’t wanted to breathe. I learned how to dissociate at a very young age. The physical effects of dissociation include slowing down the breathing and the blood flow. This prepares the body to experience less pain when under attack. Put another way, if I am dissociated, I am not present. I am somewhere else. In extreme cases, I am watching circumstances unfold from afar.

If I am breathing deeply, I have to be present. I cannot be dissociated and present. Coming back to the present moment has been one of the most challenging aspects of my recovery journey. If I am present, I cannot ignore the memories of my past that need to be addressed. I cannot avoid the pain. In order to breathe, I have to face whatever part of my past is still behind the curtain.

And then, there is food. My family used to withhold food. Sometimes, it was withheld on purpose because I had done something “wrong”. Sometimes, food was withheld by default because they were neglectful. Once again, my child had the perfect solution. I learned to take in as few calories as possible and still function. I also learned to sleep instead of eat. I could sleep through some very intense feelings of hunger. I wasn’t anorexic, but definitely a bit underdeveloped. I weighed 100 pounds at high school graduation. I finally reached a reasonable weight after leaving home. For me, the freshman fifteen became the freshman twenty-five.

Even though I am no longer living in that environment, I still have bad habits. When I get stressed, I will choose to sleep instead of eat. After my children were born, I skipped so many meals in an effort to get sleep that I dropped to 105 pounds. I was completely emaciated. Although I have gained the weight back, I have been known to eat a quick snack and call it dinner. I don’t always eat the nutrition necessary to keep going at full potential. Honestly, I am not sure what full potential feels like. I don’t think I have ever known it. I have spent too much of my life trying to get air and nourishment … trying to stay alive. I can’t do all that I am capable of doing because there is nothing to fuel it.

So I need to go back to the basics. I need to give myself the opportunity to breathe and eat good food. I need to go back to what matters most. I need to find that stable foundation.

I will care for myself.

By caring for myself, I will transform myself.

And by transforming myself, I will change the world.

Elisabeth Corey

Originally posted at beatingtrauma.com

Interested in reflecting upon your own self care needs – click here to book your free telephone consultation

Awesome Self Care Tips by Three Inspirational Guest Bloggers

Just a little friendly reminder to look out for three amazing guest blogs from three inspiring people who have kindly offered to write about their experiences, sharing their thoughts on their individual journey of self-care.

Self-care is most definitely not one size fits all . What makes it even more exciting is that there are so many different techniques, ideas, thoughts and ways to take care of oneself either generally in life, or when going through a difficult experience. My four a guest bloggers beautifully illustrate the very personal nature of self-care and it's importance in every one of our  lives. They will undoubtedly give you lots of inspiration when considering what YOU need to take care of yourself.

I will be sharing a beautifully written blog from each of these amazing people. I will begin the week with the lovely Elisabeth Corey. Elisabeth is a survivor of family-controlled child sex trafficking and sex abuse.  Her education in social work and her personal experiences as a survivor inform her intimate dialogue about the biological, psychological, social and spiritual aspects of trauma recovery, which she discusses on her blog at BeatingTrauma.com. In her guest blog, Elizabeth talks about the importance of going back to basics when it comes to self care, and reflects upon how important remembering to breathe and eat has been for her throughout her journey of recovery. It is a beautiful and inspiring read that I know you will enjoy.

Inspired by self reflection: 10 tips for self care

I put some time aside to reflect upon my self–care needs, professionally and personally.

“Nourishing yourself in a way that helps you blossom in the direction you want to go is attainable, and you are worth the effort ”

— Deborah Day

As I was writing down my thoughts I became aware that although a lot of what I was thinking was, of course, specific to me, it would most likely also resonate with many others. I therefore put together a slightly edited version and shared for all you lovely people.

I hope you find it helpful! It is currently up on my fridge as a reminder of what I need to do at the moment to take care of myself. 

Perhaps you would find it useful up on your fridge aswell.

1.    Waking up in the morning think of five things you are grateful for, whether something very small or big. Even when life is very difficult, try and pick out a few things that you feel blessed to have in your life.

2.    Take some time to look inside and get in touch with the real and authentic you. What works for one, may not work for another, we are all on our own unique journeys. Be guided by those around you, but remember to connect with yourself thinking about what YOU truly need.

3.    It is okay to take your foot off the pedal from time to time. Whatever it is you're trying to achieve, take a break, and ground yourself again. As long as you keep taking small steps forward, even when they go backwards, you will be okay. Set your own pace, and move forward in a way that works for you.

4.    Try not to compare yourself to others; none of us truly know what is going in each other's lives. The only person you have to compare yourself to, is yourself, being self compassionate along the way. Aim to be the best version of yourself, and if you falter don't worry, there is always tomorrow.

5.    Have goals, dream big, and reach for the stars if you want, but remember to frequently bring yourself back to the moment. The moment is all we have, and if you continuously live in the future of the past each moment is lost. The easiest way to do this is to bring yourself back to your breath, the one continuous thing in your life.

6.    It is okay not to be okay. You are human, allow yourself to be vulnerable, allow yourself to make mistakes. Whatever journey you are on, there will be ups and downs, emotions will come and go like the weather, and when the weather is stormy be kind to yourself, love yourself and tell yourself that is okay to feel what you are feeling and to let it out if you can.

7.    Put the stick away. we talk to ourselves in ways we would never talk to another human being. Remember there is a child inside you still needing to be taken care of, and you are the one responsible for taking care of it. Be patient, compassionate and kind, allow your inner child to make mistakes because you will learn from them, the adult you will pick them back up and begin again.

8.    Take a breath, ground yourself in the moment and think 'what do I need?' Yes, you may not be able to get what you need right now, but maybe you could get in touch with something you need at some point in the day. A few minutes to yourself, time to meditate and be mindful, grab a cup of tea and a biscuit and sit down. Whatever it might be that you need to help YOU get through the day, taking care of yourself as best as possible along the way.

9.    Reflect upon your night-time routine. This is important not only for children but for adults too. At the very end of the day try and bring yourself down. If you can, disconnect from the world, resist from checking your emails, doing that last bit of laundry, going on to social media if it is related to work, or writing that report. Give yourself an hour or so before bed to come back to you, rest, relax and let yourself slow down getting ready for sleep. Spend time connecting with your friend/partner/children/yourself, meditate, watch one of your favourite TV programmes or read a book. Get in to your pyjamas and let your body and mind relax, thanking them for allowing you to do whatever it is you did today.

10.    Trying to take care of yourself can unfortunately at times be, pressure in itself, the desire to get it right, to do things a certain way, to be your best. Central to everything we do in life is the need be loving, kind and patient towards yourself. As much as you may wish it so, as human beings we do not have all of the answers, we try, we learn, we make mistakes, we learn, we try again. 

Why not take some time when you get a chance, to make a note of what YOU particularly need in this moment to look after yourself in the way you deserve. It is amazing how much making small changes can have a huge impact on our day-to-day lives.

Kristine

Become more in tune with what you need right now by contacting me to see how I can help.

Mindfulness meditation – a wee introduction

I continue to resolve to improve my lifestyle as much as I can, and do things that will ultimately improve my quality of life and that of my loved ones; However, rather than focusing on these and these alone, always looking into the future, I decided this year to endeavour to live in the moment as much as possible. This practice of learning to live fully in the moment is gaining more and more momentum in the Western world, and is referred to as Mindfulness.

Mindfulness has been found to improve the well-being of people experiencing a range of psychological disorders, including anxiety and depression. Many people practice mindfulness to develop themselves personally/spiritually. Its ideas and philosophy are being adopted in health care, schools, businesses and many other parts of our communities.

Mindfulness has been found particularly beneficial for those of us experiencing a wide array of chronic illnesses, psychological or physical. Studies have shown regular practice of mindfulness to improve psychological well-being, and reduce pain and suffering. There have also been many very interesting studies showing how regular mindfulness practice actually changes the biochemistry of our brain and nervous system. Vidyamala Burch a fellow chronic pain/chronic illness sufferer adapted mindfulness techniques to specifically meet the needs of those of us getting up every day, trying to cope with a body that no longer functions as we would like. Her breathworks courses are being run in venues across the globe and have been reported by many chronic illness sufferers to be extremely beneficial. http://www.breathworks-mindfulness.org.uk/

What are some of the core themes involved in mindfulness practice/thinking?

Living fully in the moment: how much of our daily lives do we spend living in the past or in the future, ruminating about things we have done or not done or  worrying about what might happen in the next hour, day, week or year. Whilst doing one activity we are often thinking about what we are going to be doing later in the day, or thinking about something that happened last week. This is referred to as the Doing mode, and yes it is important and indeed necessary that we engage in the world this way from time to time in order to organise our lives.

Living fully in the moment is referred to as the Being mode. There are so many activities and experiences we have every day that we do on automatic pilot, missing out on often the simple beauty of what we my perceive to be a mundane activity, such as:

v  Really feeling the warmth of a shower on our muscles,

v  Truly tasting and smelling the aromas of the food we eat,

v  Fully seeing the beauty of the outside world whether it be trees, architecture or people.

v  Or even a strange as it may seem, allowing ourselves to be with the very many difficult physical sensations/emotions our various health problems might bring.

Intentional, non-judgmental awareness of the present moment: when we make new goals or integrate something different into our lifestyle, we have a tendency to beat ourselves up when we do not achieve things in a certain way. This can also happen when you start to practice mindfulness. I can recollect many times when I have thought to myself, either during a structured mindfulness practice or at some point during the day, such things as:

‘I am not doing this practice right my mind keeps wandering’

‘Why do I keep dozing off during my meditation? I should be able to stay awake and complete my practice’

‘If only I had used mindfulness to cope with that situation rather than letting things spiral out of control in the way that they did’.

And of course we make a wide range of judgements every day, whether about ourselves, somebody else, an object, basically anything in the world around us. Judging is obviously an integral part of being a human being, helping us form beliefs and making decisions.

However, we frequently make judgements based upon our subconscious initial thoughts, urges, impulses and desires, which are often caught up in complex emotion and unhelpful patterns we have developed during our lives. During mindfulness we are encouraged to take a step back and observe these negative thoughts, urges and impulses from a compassionate perspective so that we do not beat up on, shame or berate ourselves for the uncontrollable initial thoughts and urges that inevitably appear.

Two quotes from the book Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante Henepola Gunaratana summarise these two themes of mindfulness nicely:

 “it is impossible for us to be aware of what’s going on inside us and in our environment if [we] are busy rejecting its existence.”

“Whatever experience we are having, mindfulness just accepts it… No pride, no shame, nothing personal at stake – what is there is there.”

What does mindfulness practice actually entail?

A few of the different types of mindfulness practice:

Breathing meditation – this involves focusing on the breath as it is, not trying to change it but to connect with the sensations of the breath as they go through your body.

Body scan – the body scan meditation brings you through each and every part of your body starting from the bottom of your feet to the top of your head. It guides you through an observation of the various sensations felt that each different section of your body.

Mindful movement – mindful movement meditation guide you through some slow, purposeful and gentle movements, helping you to really experience what it is like to move certain parts of your body and get in touch with your body’s abilities and limitations through staying with the many sensations bodily experienced.

Sounds and thoughts – during this practice you are encouraged to become more aware of the many signs, big or small, loud or are quiet, in your environment. It also helps you to start to become more observant of your thoughts, being with them but also been able to let them go.

Befriending difficult thoughts/ feelings – this practice allows you to look inside and stay with whatever thoughts, feelings and sensations you might be experiencing and encourages you to connect and really being with some of the more difficult things you may be experiencing.

I hope this blog gives you a little introduction to the ideas and practice of mindfulness. I would really be interested to hear any of your thoughts/reflections on these types of ideas and principles and how they might be able to help you through your journey.

Gunaratana B,H. (Sep 2002) .  Mindfulness in Plain English: Wisdom Publications

Kabat-Zinn. (1994). Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation In Everyday Life: Hyperion

Dr. Kristine Abercrombie
Chartered Clinical Psychologist

Self compassion and our relationship with food

One common lifestyle changes people embark upon are changes in the food they eat. Food can be a double-edged sword, we need it to survive. However, with too much a whole range of health problems can arise. Like most people, I for one love food, it gives me a great deal of pleasure, sometimes well needed comfort, as well as the social aspect of eating. Every single one of us has a relationship with food!

 So how does this to our relationship with food, and how can we use self compassion to help us develop a more meaningful and healthy relationship with what and how we eat? Understanding the complexity of far relationship with food is the first step in this journey. And that is what we are going to cover today, looking at it from both an evolutionary and cultural perspective. Stopping blaming ourselves for our difficulties with diets and we had enables us to open up to finding more helpful ways to tackle our eating and exercise patterns.
 
Evolutionary
   
◦Our brains have evolved to be attracted to foods that are high in fat and sugar
 
◦Our bodies have evolved to store excess energy (in the form of fat) for leaner times
 
◦Our brain is not designed to regulate eating, it didn’t need to: food was hard to find, so we had to make the most of it when it was available.
  

’Our desire for high-fat and high-sugar foods, together with an increasingly intelligent brain with which to find them, and interest in sharing them with other group members, gave us a huge evolutionary advantage. However, as these foods were in short supply, we never had to develop the means to restrain our appetites or our weight’
 
Cultural
   
◦Eating is a highly social event, associated with togetherness and security.
 
◦Being fed has always been a comforting experience for humans. The link between sweet foods and rewards, or even approval – ‘being a good boy or girl’ – is made early
 
◦Foods are packaged and displayed in supermarkets to tempt you
 
◦Slimness is now the culturally desired shape for women, and a flat stomach and well-defined muscles for men.
 
◦Sometimes our problems with food relate to quite complicated emotional difficulties.
 
◦Part of the problem with the message, we should avoid being overweight if it’s doing us physical harm, is that it comes with an associated idea that healthy is morally good and unhealthy is morally bad.
 

You may be thinking, how does this help me change my relationship with food? Will it not just enable me to blame everything on the outside world, using it to reconcile with my status quo? What the self compassionate approach enables us to do is recognise that our relationship with food is all part of being human. So I am not suggesting that we should just ignore all of the problems that come with having a difficult relationship with food. But it is about taking a different approach, where you truly look inside yourself to see what it is that will help you flourish, as this is what being self compassionate is all about.

 Compassion focused therapy helps us to challenge the idea that when someone struggles to manage their eating it is their entire fault. When you start to blame or get angry with yourself, does it make you want to change your eating habits or continue with existing coping mechanisms? By taking a deeply compassionate approach you can actually support yourself better, making lifestyle changes instead of entering into a common vicious cycle of failing to meet your own high expectations, feeling despondent, guilty, and self-critical, choosing  old eating habits as a way of coping. Instead, love yourself for who you are, recognise all of the reasons we as humans tend to have the kinds of relationships with food that we do, encouraging yourself as you would a child to look after and love both your body and your mind.

Dr. Kristine Abercrombie