Unmet needs : Introducing Brian

From the very moment you enter this world, the way your needs are or are not met, influences every part of your being - your physiology, psychology and social being. The temperament you are born with combined with every experience that makes up your unique life leads to the person you are today.

In my last blog I introduced the 5 childhood needs outlined in Schema Therapy. I also asked you to think a little about how well you meet your needs as an adult.

The way in which your needs are met in childhood influence how you perceive and experience the world (your schemas), how you cope with them (coping modes) and how you meet your own needs as an adult.

Take Brian as an example:

(Please note Brian is not a real client, but a representation of a person’s possible experiences).

Brian grew up with his mum, dad and little sister. When he was seven his mum was badly injured in a car accident. His father was a high achieving businessman who worked long hours. Brian was put in the role of caregiver at this young age, for both mum and sister, with some help from an aunt from time to time. Everyone in the family was struggling with this new reality. As he got older, mum started to improve but was still very sad a lot of the time. Dad had really high expectations of Brian and his sister, pushing them with their education, always wanting nothing but their best and more. Brian did not receive a great deal of emotional validation when he was young, as well as not having much space to figure out his own identity.

Looking at the 5 core childhood needs below, how well do you imagine Brian’s needs were met growing up?

Graphic illustrating the five core childhood needs

Secure attachment: Brian's mum provided him with love, nuture and safety when she could, but due to her health it was difficult at times. His dad struggled to show up consistently and often when he did, he did not provide a sense of saftey or nurture.

Autonomy: Due to being a carer for his mum Brian did not experience the space needed to explore his own personality and independence. His father's expectations also stifled this.

Playfulness: Brian and his sister would often play together, their mum also bringing humour and creativity when she could. Between caring duties and school work, his age appropriate needs in this area were not met sufficiently. His aunt did however take him and sister out for some day trips from time to time.

Realistic limits: Brian definitely had limits set on him as a child. He learnt responsibility, boundaries and motivation. However, as they were not always realistic this led to other needs not being met.

Freedom to express emotions: Brian was able to express his emotions to his mum when she was feeling well enough, as well as to a family social worker and a teacher. However, other opportunities to feel free to think about and share his own feelings were limited.

So, as you can imagine, like all of us, the ways Brian’s needs were/were not met influenced how he experiences the world as an adult. How do you think it may have impacted him?

Check in next time to find out my thoughts and to learn more about ‘Schemas’.

Don’t miss out. Subscribe below to get future learning opportunities sent direct to your inbox.

Kristine