Unmet needs : Introducing Brian

From the very moment you enter this world, the way your needs are or are not met, influences every part of your being - your physiology, psychology and social being. The temperament you are born with combined with every experience that makes up your unique life leads to the person you are today.

In my last blog I introduced the 5 childhood needs outlined in Schema Therapy. I also asked you to think a little about how well you meet your needs as an adult.

The way in which your needs are met in childhood influence how you perceive and experience the world (your schemas), how you cope with them (coping modes) and how you meet your own needs as an adult.

Take Brian as an example:

(Please note Brian is not a real client, but a representation of a person’s possible experiences).

Brian grew up with his mum, dad and little sister. When he was seven his mum was badly injured in a car accident. His father was a high achieving businessman who worked long hours. Brian was put in the role of caregiver at this young age, for both mum and sister, with some help from an aunt from time to time. Everyone in the family was struggling with this new reality. As he got older, mum started to improve but was still very sad a lot of the time. Dad had really high expectations of Brian and his sister, pushing them with their education, always wanting nothing but their best and more. Brian did not receive a great deal of emotional validation when he was young, as well as not having much space to figure out his own identity.

Looking at the 5 core childhood needs below, how well do you imagine Brian’s needs were met growing up?

Graphic illustrating the five core childhood needs

Secure attachment: Brian's mum provided him with love, nuture and safety when she could, but due to her health it was difficult at times. His dad struggled to show up consistently and often when he did, he did not provide a sense of saftey or nurture.

Autonomy: Due to being a carer for his mum Brian did not experience the space needed to explore his own personality and independence. His father's expectations also stifled this.

Playfulness: Brian and his sister would often play together, their mum also bringing humour and creativity when she could. Between caring duties and school work, his age appropriate needs in this area were not met sufficiently. His aunt did however take him and sister out for some day trips from time to time.

Realistic limits: Brian definitely had limits set on him as a child. He learnt responsibility, boundaries and motivation. However, as they were not always realistic this led to other needs not being met.

Freedom to express emotions: Brian was able to express his emotions to his mum when she was feeling well enough, as well as to a family social worker and a teacher. However, other opportunities to feel free to think about and share his own feelings were limited.

So, as you can imagine, like all of us, the ways Brian’s needs were/were not met influenced how he experiences the world as an adult. How do you think it may have impacted him?

Check in next time to find out my thoughts and to learn more about ‘Schemas’.

Don’t miss out. Subscribe below to get future learning opportunities sent direct to your inbox.

Kristine

What do you need?

Do you ever ask yourself 'What do I need'? Not, what do I want, or what do I think I need, but really take the time to tune into yourself. Allowing yourself to get past those initial 'shoulds' and 'coulds' influenced by wider society and your unique earlier life experiences.

I know I have gotten better at it over the years. However, to be honest, it probably wasn't until well into my Clinical Psychology training that I started to figure out what my needs as a human being really are, never mind actually tuning into what I really needed and when. I don’t think the latter is a journey that ever ends, but it is definitely one that we can improve upon and fine tune.

One way to start this process is to learn a little about what research has shown our needs to be as human beings. Five core childhood needs outlined in Schema Therapy provide a really lovely overview of what is vitally important for us all, as children and as adults.

1. The need for secure attachment, comfort, nurture and care.

2. The need for autonomy and encouragement, of competence and our own sense of identity.

3. The need for spontaneity, playfulness, exploration and adventure, and room for creativity and imagination.

4. The need for realistic limits and control, boundaries and the taking responsibility of our actions.

5. The need for the freedom to explore and express our emotions and needs.

To what degree are these needs being met in your life right now? Think about your life, your relationships, and above all, your relationship with yourself.

How were they met when you were younger? Our needs are never met perfectly as children. We are human beings being raised by human beings after all. It is not necessarily about blaming your parents (although, it is OK to feel angry too), but it is important to think about how your unmet needs may have impacted you. Whilst also letting yourself feel some of the vulnerability you felt at such a formative time of your life. By connecting with this vulnerable part of yourself you can truly move forward to being able to meet your vulnerable child’s needs during adulthood.

Big questions/reflections I know. Take your time with them.

Schema Therapy can help with this process.

Reach out for a FREE 20 minute Discovery Call to learn more.

Kristine

What is Schema Therapy and what does it look like?

I have to admit, I do find it difficult to succinctly describe different therapies to my clients. There is so much too them and so many different ways to use them to help. When trying to understand something myself I first of all find it useful to think about the language used. It would make sense that schema therapy has something to do with schema’s, right?

So what is a schema?

We all have different ways of looking at the world. Different ‘oughts’, ‘shoulds’, rules and expectations. Unique core beliefs about ourselves, others and the world. Various emotional reactions and physiological responses to the things that happen around us and within us. It is all of this that comprise our schemas.

Jeffrey Young, the person who brought Schema Therapy to life, identified 18 different schemas. I'm not going to list them all here but will discuss them in future blogs. To give you a sense, schemas include such things as:

Self sacrifice: the idea that others needs are more important than your own.

Defectiveness: the belief that there is something inherently wrong with you.

Abandonment: a deep-seated feeling and belief that others will leave you.

As you can imagine, the way in which our schemas develop depend on lots of different factors. We're all born with different temperaments, different parts of our identities already influenced by our genetics. Then of course there are all the experiences we have, influenced by our culture and society, and most importantly by the family we are raised in.

Think about the language you speak, your accent and the particular colloquialisms you might use. Think about the times that you find yourself saying something that reminds you of something your mum or dad would say. Think about how you understand the world and take a moment to ask yourself, ‘where did these messages come from’?.

During schema-focused therapy I will begin by helping you understand yourself more. Enable you to understand how the way your needs were and were not met growing up has influenced your core feelings and beliefs. To support this process we (you and I) would use a range of techniques and ideas to help you make links between current difficulties in your life and earlier life experiences at both a cognitive and emotional level. We would work together to help you connect more to your your vulnerable parts, your inner child. To listen to them and understand them. Identifying the ways you learnt to cope with unhelpful schemas, feelings and situations when you were little. Although necessary when you were younger, many of these coping modes may no longer be serving you. The good news is, as an adult you have the opportunity to learn different ways to look after your inner child. Together we will help you to develop your healthy adult part, to help you truly meet your needs now in a way that can help you make the best of your life moving forward.

I aim to provide you with a safe and nurturing space to explore all of these different aspects of your life. I might ask you to fill in some questionnaires to help us begin to put the puzzle pieces together. We might also use some experiential strategies such as imagery rescripting, chair work and parts work to allow you to experience a deeper level of change within. We might integrate elements of other therapies I provide, such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT). At all times we will be working as a team, with a shared purpose of helping you learn healthier ways to be.

You may also be interested in the following two self-help books if you want to learn more.

Reinventing Your Life: the bestselling breakthrough programme to end negative behaviour and feel great.

Your Coping Skills Aren't Working: How to Break Free from the Habits That Once Helped You but Now Hold You Back.

Any questions or want to make an appointment?

Email me on: info@letstalkonline-psychology.com

Kristine